So, I have finally managed to get Leo's medical records from the evil cat vet here in Illinois, who has been nothing but obnoxious and unhelpful. Sadly, they are woefully incomplete and don't include the actually test results for the $2000 in tests I had done on him in 2007. Rather, there are just yes and no answers that I am sure our new vet will find mostly useless and then I imagine she will want to redo all those tests. And since it would be the 5th time I have had all these tests run since this whole saga began three and a half years ago, I think I am going to tell her no.
Unlike previous annual downswings, which were bad for a week or so and then improved, Leo has simply gotten worse and worse. He crouches like he is hurting. He is starting to have what in gently referred to as "anal leakage." I know he is having at least six explosive BMs a day, because he has at least that many when I am home. He acts like he is freezing. I was using the oven the other day and got him sleeping on top of the stove, obviously trying to get warm. He doesn't play at all anymore, not even with his fur mouse, which he adores beyond comprehension (although he did have some excessive interest in a centipede that wandered through the living room last weekend).
I asked myself, even if I can put him on some steroids or find some new miracle medication, is his quality of life going to improve enough to make it worth while? And then I asked myself, do you really think you are the one who should answer that question? So I decided to ask Leo.
We had a heart to heart last night. I put him on the bed and looked him in the eyes and told him I was concerned. I asked him what he wanted. He told me he likes reiki. I asked him if he thought that would heal him enough that he didn't have to clean his ass at least six times a day, and he thought about it and said that it would just make him feel calmer but not help him get better. And then he got very still, in only that very still way that Leo can get, and his eyes suddenly looked so weary. And he told me he thought he was ready, even if I wasn't. And then he closed his eyes and curled up in a tiny ball and went to sleep. Pele came over and groomed his ears. And I cried. I've been crying a lot lately.
Tomorrow, I have a consult with the vet at 9 am. I will let you all know what the decision is.